Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Planning Passion

A few months ago, I shared on Facebook that I'd contributed to the Kickstarter for Passion Planner in order to get a Passion Planner. I was so excited. If you don't know how Kickstarter works for products, you can pledge a certain amount towards a project and if it is funded, you can get one of the items (depending on the amount you pledged).

As soon as I got the email that it was funded, I felt anxious. I don't know what my passion is anymore. I scanned the PDF version of the planner and to my dismay, in order to use it, you need to identify the passion as your goal. I was hoping it might help me identify it...

I received the planner today, and instead of being excited, I felt sad and depressed. I wrote previously about going so far to preserve the mundane that I've lost sight of the big picture. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to use this thing.

Here is part of the problem:
Long Term Plans With Metastatic Breast Cancer:
1 hour in advance: Absolutely! Go for it!
1 day in advance: Great! Knock yourself out!
1 week in advance: Sure - you do you boo!
1 month in advance: Okay! But only if you don't have a scan.
3 months in advance: Gurl, you will definitely have a scan in this time, so don't book any flights...
6 months in advance: Maybe. Just maybe.
1 year in advance: Dream on gf!
5 years in advance: LOL.

So what am I supposed to do? 

What will my legacy be? What will I be remembered for? 
Before cancer, it was easy. I'd work, take care of my husband, and have kids. I'd take care of the kids and It would be awesome! My kids could be my legacy. 
Now I see how lame that is, I know it might not happen, and I have no ideas. 

Sometimes, it's hard enough to do the minimum to survive everyday.

I wish I had a solution - some sort of epic realization - to finish up this post, but I don't.